24: Season Something more than 5
by Ba'alzamon
Summary: Hey all, this is my first 24 fanfic. It's a humorous parady of the show that takes place sometime after season 5. There are massive spoilers for all seasons, so don't read unless you're up to date on the show or just dont care. Please read and review! Cha
1. Chapter 1

**24 Season… Something more than 5**

(Jack is sitting in his house reading the paper. Suddenly he hears a continual rhythmic bleep.)

SFX: Beep… beep… beep… beep…

Jack: …That sound…

(Jack dives off his couch and tumbles out the 2nd story window of his house as it explodes. As Jack slowly wakes up, he rubs his sore head with his hand. Jack closes his eyes to concentrate and is shocked to see yellow numbers that say 07:00:00. They continue to go up every second like so: 07:00:01, 07:00:02, 07:00:03, 07:00:04, 07:00:05. Jack looks down at his watch and sees that it is exactly 5 seconds past 7 am)

Jack: Oh my god… (Realization sets in) ANOTHER SEASON! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(Meanwhile at CTU)

Curtis: Good news everyone, today is a completely normal boring day with absolutely no terrorist activities going on- (looks at monitor) OH MY GOD! Terrorists are going to assassinate David Palmer! Everyone get to work now! Triangulate things and trace phone calls from the hostage's cell phone! Also-

Chloe: Curtis, that was all last season… didn't you get the memo? We fixed all that. It was exactly one year ago today in fact… I think it's time to look mean and angry all the time.

(Chloe puts on her famous scowl)

Curtis: Right, right… I forgot...

(Curtis' phone rings)

Curtis: Hello?

Jack through phone: MILLIONS OF PEOPLE!

(A startled Curtis drops his phone and it breaks)

Curtis: Ok people, Jack is on another of his tangents, that means today is the start of a new season. Chloe, gather a team and go get Jack; you know how he gets on these days… And Edgar, get me a new cell phone.

(Edgar still lies under the desk where he died last season)

Edgar: ……

Curtis: Ok let's move people! GO! GO! GO!

(CTU personnel move out about their tasks. All except Lynn, who's still in holding)

Lynn: (slaps own face) FFEEEEEFY HOBBITSIS! (slaps his own hand) They wants to take'st the precious from me… (Lynn grasps hold of a plastic frisbee and looks hungrily at it) My preeeeeecious! (slaps his own thigh) SOOOO FEEEEEEFY!

(Lynn's alter ego, Sam, talks through Lynn)

Sam: No Lynn, we must take the frisbee to master Frodo! Then we can go find the ring and submit to the Dark One's will!

Lynn: NO! You tries to take'st my precious to- (slaps his own face) –the volcano! You wants me to destroy'st the - (slaps own hand) precious! (slaps own face three times) SOOO FEEEEEEEEFY!

(Meanwhile: A block away from Bauer's now destroyed home)

Jack: GIVE ME THE DONUTS!

Cashier: Ok dude, calm down, they're JUST donuts… put down the gun-

Jack: MILLIONS OF PEOPLE WILL DIE IF I DON'T GET MY DONUTS!

Cashier: What? How can millions-

Jack: (twitches wildly and thrashes around) AAAAAAH GAHHHH MILLIONS!

Cashier: Woah ok dude, chill out! Take the don-

(Jack's phone rings and Jack answers)

Jack: WHERE IS THE BOMB?

Chloe: Jack its ok, it's me, Chloe.

Jack: Chloe? Oh thank god it's you. The beeps, Chloe! It's happening again!

Chloe: I know Jack, I'm on my way to get you. You need to stay where you are and what ever you do, don't hold up another donut shop. You would have gone to prison for 30 years last time if the president didn't pardon you.

Jack: Get me? Don't! There are people after me… I don't know why, but they tried to kill me in my house before. I need you to go back to CTU and wait for me to find information for you to work from. Get Edgar to help you with it, he's always been a good worker.

(Edgar still is lying dead under the desk where he was killed last season)

Edgar: ……..

Chloe: Jack, Curtis told me to come get you, so don't-

(The cashier tries to slink away)

Jack: DID I SAY YOU COULD GO? (gunshots and screaming are heard through the phone and then the call is disconnected)

(Meanwhile at CTU)

Tony: Michelle, I asked you for coffee 10 minutes ago, how long do you take?

("Michelle" is a doll dressed in a pink doll dress and is propped against the wall)

Tony: Ah it's ok Michelle, I didn't mean to scream. God I love you!

(Curtis walks in)

Curtis: Tony, we- (notices Tony staring at the Michelle doll) Oh get over it dude. She died a year ago!

Tony: (enraged) How DARE you say my wife is dead! Especially when she's in the room with you now! Alive and well, I might add. She hasn't complained about ANYTHING since last year. You have no right to speak about her that way!

Curtis: (sighs) Whatever Tony. Anyway, we need to you to go into holding and see if Lynn is mentally capable of working again. We will need him today to help with whatever crisis we face.

Tony: Fine, me and my WIFE; my LIVING wife, will go check on him!

(Tony smiles at the doll and picks it up and walks to the holding cells. Bill Buchanan walks by the door)

Curtis: Bill, have you heard about today?

Bill: Yes, it seems it's a new season today. Did you send someone to get Jack yet?

Curtis: Yeah, Chloe is on it now.

Bill: Does she have proper equipment this time? You know how hard it is to detain Jack on one of these days…

Curtis: I know, I know. She and her team did very well at detaining him during the off season. They are ready for a "Seasonal Scenario".

Bill: They better be. Did you get a hold of Kim yet? You know she's a primary target during seasons.

Curtis: …Aw shit, I knew I forgot something…

(Meanwhile in a dark cellar)

(Kim is seen tied up to a chair with 5 armed German men around her)

(Back at CTU)

Bill: Well the terrorists probably have Kim by now since you failed to notify her of the new season, so I guess we're going to have to get some leads before we go forward with any operation. I'll notify the president of the new season immediately.

(At the White House)

(Mike's cell phone rings)

Mike: Mr. President, its Bill Buchanan from CTU for you.

Logan: (nervously) What does he want?

Mike: …He wants to speak with you-

Logan: GAAAAAAH! I'm so incompetent! What should I do Mike?

Mike: …This isn't my choice to make Mr. President… But I'd answer the phone and see what he wants if I were you.

Logan: Well you're NOT me! I am the President and I make my own decisions! You remember that, Mike. REMEMBER IT!

(Mitsurugi walks in)

Mitsurugi: Remember it!

Logan: (startled) Who let that man in?

(Mitsurugi looks at them both cautiously)

Mitsurugi: REMEMBER IT!

(Mitsurugi dives out the nearest window)

Mike: Uh… Mr. President? The phone call?

Logan: The phone? Oh no, Mike. I don't know what to do! What if it's actually the terrorists on the phone and they want me to help them kill Subarrov again!

(Subarrov has been in the corner of the room the whole time drinking tea. Now he just looks at Logan in bewilderment)

Mike: (Looks at Subarrov) Umm sir. It's not the terrorists, it's Bill-

Logan: Fine, FINE! Tell them I'll help them try to kill Subarrov one more time, but this is the last time! I am the President of the United States! This country will thank me one day for my selfless deeds while in office!

Subarrov: Are you fuc-

Logan: Don't worry president Subarrov. We will have a safe route made for you to be escorted to the airport. Mike, send the terrorists on the phone a map of the route Subarrov will be taking.

Mike: …Sir-

Logan: Was I not clear, Mike? I am the president! I reign supreme here! You will remember your place! REMEMBER IT!

(Mitsurugi dives through the same window he dove out of before)

Mitsurugi: REMEMBER IT!

Mike: (sighs) This is gonna be a looooooooooooooong day…


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

(Meanwhile, Chloe and her team have arrived at the donut shop)

Chloe: (scowls) Well at least Jack only managed to kill one person… the cashier in all likelihood. Others sustained minimal wounds and are mostly traumatized by the whole thing.

CTU agent: Ms. O'Brian, we have a lady here that witnessed the whole thing and even spoke to Jack.

(CTU agent points to a woman sitting in the far corner)

Chloe: Well what happened?

Woman: I came here with my four year old son to buy him a chocolate donut because he got an A on his math test today. All of a sudden this madman bursts through the door with a gun and demands donuts. He said something about 'millions of people' dying if he didn't get his donuts. Then his phone rang and he spoke to someone he knew. He was talking all paranoid to her and the cashier tried to get away, but he saw him and opened fire; it was horrible…

Chloe: That sounds like Jack to me, where is your son now?

Woman: That's the thing; he took my son and claimed he was a terrorist! All because my son asked why he had shot the cashier. They took off in a black van heading north.

Chloe: Oh crap. (Dials cell phone) Yeah, Bill? Jack has a hostage… a four year old child… no, I don't think it's too late for him… CURTIS, that's NOT wishful thinking! Get Curtis out here and send out a report to all patrol cars to look for a black van heading north on Rosalie Street.

(Meanwhile in a black van that Jack "borrowed" from the deceased cashier)

Jack: WHO DO YOU WORK FOR?

Kid: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Jack: WHO IS THIS WAA? TELL ME!

Kid: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Jack: TELL ME NOW OR I'LL BREAK YOUR FREAKIN' ARM!

Kid: (sniffle) I don't know what you're talking about, Mister. (sniffle) I want my donut and my mommy! WAA-

(Jack cuts the kid's sentence off by slamming a hand over his mouth. He leans in real close to the kid and stares him straight in the eye)

Jack: I'm going to be civil with you because you're only a baby terrorist... Now I'll ask again, slowly, and nicely… Where can I find this Waa?

(Jack removes his hand from the kid's mouth)

Kid: There is no W-

Jack: WHERE IS HE DAMNIT? TELL ME NOW OR I'LL SEE TO IT THAT YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY IS-

Kid: McDonalds! You can find him at McDonalds…

(Jack leans back with a look of satisfaction)

Jack: (To himself) Everyone has a breaking point… (To the kid) You see how easy that was?

Kid: I want to go h-

Jack: YOU'RE COMING WITH ME TO SEE THIS WAA! IF I CAN'T FIND HIM AT MCDONALDS THEN YOU'RE A DEAD BABY TERRORIST! YOU HEAR ME? A DEAD ONE!

(Jack speeds down the road towards the nearest McDonalds while blinking away the image of the yellow letters saying 08:30:00)

(Meanwhile at CTU. Curtis walks into the holding cell)

Curtis: Tony it's been thirty minutes, how long does it take to determine-

(Curtis stops his sentence short and just stares at Tony and Lynn clutching their respective doll and Frisbee and stroking them)

Tony: Don't worry Curtis; Lynn is perfectly capable of handling any crisis we go through today. Me and Michelle are going to- Hey what are you do-

(Tony's sentence is cut short by Curtis closing the cell door on him and locking it)

Curtis: Is ANYONE sane here?

(Audrey runs up to Curtis)

Audrey: Curtis you're needed in the field. Jack escaped from a donut shop with a hostage and he's already killed someone.

Curtis: I'm needed in the field? How odd. Why wasn't I notified sooner?

Audrey: You didn't answer your cell phone.

Curtis: (remembers) Oh, right. Damnit, where's Edgar with my new cell phone?

(Edgar is still lying under the desk where he died last season)

Edgar: …..

Audrey: I'll get your phone for you, Curtis. You get out on the streets where you're needed.

Curtis: Thank you Audrey, at least someone's still on task. Watch over Edgar for me, Audrey. He's behind on his work and if this new season has similar twists like the last ones, then he may have a hidden agenda.

Audrey: Well he has been spending a lot of time under that desk… I'll look into it Curtis, now go.

Curtis: I'm on it!

(Curtis grabs cell phone from Audrey and runs toward the door)

(Meanwhile at McDonalds)

Shady Man #1: The plan is in motion, yes?

Shady Man #2: Yes, but Bauer still lives. The beeps must have warned Bauer before our assassin could get his shot off.

Shady Man #1: Indeed, those beeps have been quite a nuisance since season one.

Shady Man #2: Next season let's make sure Bauer wears ear muffs at all times… maybe then he won't hear the beeps and will be off guard.

Shady Man #1: Brilliant idea! Soon this country will pay for their interference in our conquest!

Cashier: Uh… So is that a medium or a large…?

(The shady men just look at the cashier, then at each other and nod in unison)

Both Shady Men: Large.

(The shady men pay for their food and join Shady Man #3 and another man at the booth next to the window)

Shady Man #3: Good, now that we have our food, allow me to introduce our leader to you two.

(The man removes his hood and the other two shady men gasp)

Shady Man #1 and #2: Marwon?

Marwon: Yes, it is I, Habib Marwon!

Shady Man #1: But I thought you died at the end of last season?

Marwon: Nonsense!

(Marwon shoots Shady Man #1 from under the table, and he drops his head to the table with a thump. No one else in McDonalds seems to notice)

Marwon: Now you know how serious I am…

Shady Man #2: We never questioned how dedicated-

Marwon: Silence!

(Marwon shoots Shady Man #2 from under the table, and he drops his head to the table with a thump like Shady Man #1. Again, no one seems to notice)

Shady Man #3: We lose far too many subordinates that way, Marwon. You're very wasteful.

Marwon: I do what must be done; I spare every shred of loyal support. You're still around aren't you?

(Marwon gets up and throws out the remainder of his chicken nuggets)

Shady Man #3: (mumbles) Wasteful…

(Meanwhile on the road)

Jack: WHAT IS THIS EXPLOSIVE DEAL YOU SPEAK OF? SPEAK TO ME YOU TERRORIST!

Telemarketer: Sir, calm down. I don't mean _literally_ explosive, I just mean it's a good deal- Did you call me a _terrorist_-

Jack: WHERE IS THE BOMB?

Telemarketer: _Bomb?_ Sir you need a psych-

Jack: I DON'T AFFILIATE MYSELF WITH TERRORISTS! (Ignore the fact that Jack has been involved with terrorists for every single season)

(Jack hangs up the cell phone)

Jack: WAS THAT ONE OF WAA'S CRONIES? HOW DID HE GET MY NUMBER?

Kid: I don't know who he was; my mommy calls random people who call the house and try to sell you things "Assholes".

(Jack stops at a red light near a school where a bunch of children are playing outside for recess. The kid in the car spots someone on the playground and waves)

Kid: Hi Markus!

Jack: MARKUS? WHO IS HE? DOES HE WORK FOR WAA TOO?

Kid: He's my friend, Markus. And there's Mike, and Dave, and Greg, and Ricky, and I know all of them! Hi you guys!

(Kid waves to all his friends. Jack swerves the steering wheel and drives up the curb onto the playground)

Kid: What are you do-

Jack: You friends with all these kids? Would you say you're "co-workers"?

(Jack gets out of the van and stares at all the kids)

Kid: They're my friends… I wouldn't call them my co-

Jack: DON'T TRY BACKING OUT OF IT NOW!

(Jack pulls out his gun and aims at the kids)

Jack: GET IN THE VAN!

(5 minutes later, Jack is driving off towards McDonalds with 15 kids _stuffed_ in the van)

Kid #1: I'm hungry.

Kid #2: I'm tired.

Kid #3: I'm sad.

Kid #4: I'm bored.

Kid #5: I'm-

Jack: SHUT UP! QUIET ALL OF YOU! GOD DAMNIT! YOU TERRORISTS ARE EXCELLENT AT TORTURE!

Kid #6: I need to pee.

Kid #7: I _did_ pee.

Kid #8: I like pie

Kid #9: I wish my mommy and daddy still loved each other-

Jack: QUIET ALL OF YOU! SHUT UP! WE'RE CLOSE TO THE TARGET!

(Jack turns left onto the next block and a McDonalds comes into view)

Jack: Ah, there it is… Soon Waa will be…

(Jack trails off as the massive arches come into view and with it come the words: "Over 99 million sold". Jack's eyes widen and his pupils dilate)

Jack: Mil… milli…

(Jack's eyes grow wider still and his grip on the steering wheel tightens. The veins in his forehead pulsate and a dramatic opera theme plays)

Jack: Milli… millions…

Kid #15: Hey are you ok Mister-

Jack: MILLIONS OF PEOPLE! GAAAAAAAAAAH! MILLIONS OF MILLIONS OF MILLIONS OF MILLIONS OF PEOPLE!

(Jack swerves the steering wheel and goes up the curb heading straight for the McDonalds window)

Kids: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Jack: GAAAAAAAAAAH! MILLIONS!

(The van shatters through the window of the McDonalds and slams on its side as it slides into the cash registers, creating spark that set women's sun dresses on fire. Jack dives out of the van door and pulls out his gun)

Jack: WHERE IS WAA? SHOW YOURSELF-

(Jack stops mid sentence as he looks over at the booth by the shattered window and sees a familiar face staring back at him with surprise)

Jack and Marwon: YOU!


End file.
